She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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