at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
