i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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