they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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