Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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