My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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