dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
