I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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