Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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