I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
