Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
you never un-have a 4some
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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