Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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