Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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