i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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