I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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