I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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