After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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