i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my shit smells like andre
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize