I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
