gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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