Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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