im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize