just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize