census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
