You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
