I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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