i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
