Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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