i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
