god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
