careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
