i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
