new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
