i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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