im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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