the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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