I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
