Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
