i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
