I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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