I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
