guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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