READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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