Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
