please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
