I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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