Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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