it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
