so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
