He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
