turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
