I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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