Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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