Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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