mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
