she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
did i just pee glitter
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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