I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
