Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
