if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize