My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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