I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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