I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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