i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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