I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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