I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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