My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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