Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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