4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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