Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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