My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
