on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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